The funny thing is though that I have really struggled to adapt to begin a mum. Not in terms of caring for my son (yes, yes, shameless self praise, but it's true!). I could change nappies, feed and clothe him from the word go, I am not sure where I learn;t but I must have king of osmosed into me over the years.
No, what has been really tough has been adjusting mentally. I thought I was tough. Hah. I was wrong.I struggled, to be available at all times with no downtime, to have to be happy and cheerful and willing to play at the drop of a hat, to have endless energy for teaching words, numbers colors, to be interesting, but most of all I struggled to meet the expectations surrounding what kind of mother I will be from all my friends and family. I didn't want to let anyone down.
Slowly, I am coming to realize, that it is ok. I am in charge of my son and of my parenting, and so long as he gets the explanations he needs about why I am behaving the way I am and so long as I am really honest with him (about everything I can be, including the relationship between me and daddy) then I think we will be ok. Also, accepting that i am not perfect and i won't get everything right has been a big step forward.
I think the biggest eye opener has been though that I am not in an unusual position, I am having exactly (and by exactly I mean word for word the same) issues and thoughts that countless other mums have up and down the country, and across the world every damn day. so that is good. thanks to Mumsnet for the revelation. Every time I am sure that I am struggling with something so monumentally horrific that no one else would ever have to deal with the same combination of issues I am having right this moment, it turns out someone has been there and done just that before.
It has been a lifeline.
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